Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in docsloki's LiveJournal:

Monday, February 27th, 2006
10:31 am	It's Spring Well, I think it is. The daffodils have been up for weeks now and the sun is bright. It's still cold but is supposed to be warm later today. I'm up and awake today so if it does warm up I'll go pot up some herbs that I've got ready. Might even get some painting done on the Halloween decorations that are still waiting for paint. Wish I were up in St. Louis with Chuck but that may have to wait another month. That sucks. It feels weird. He's up there where I used to live and I'm here in his home in Louisiana all alone. Very weird. At least I have the dogs for company. The cat is even getting cuddly lately. The boys mother is home and healing. They didn't find anything despite putting her through a living hell. I doubt anything will change much with her health. At least she will be here for boys which is what I was worried about. Looks like I'll be doing an appeal on my disability insurance. Not sure how I will get up the St. Louis to see the specialists I need to see to do that though. Seems odd, that the move was to get me there for my health and now I'm going to be down here for the forseeable future. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 18th, 2006
5:49 am	Dead Cats in the Road I'm bummed. A little long haired white cat that had shown up recently was killed tonight by a passing car. Not sure why it's bugging me so much. I liked the little guy and he'd struck up a friendship with our cat. He was too afraid to let us pet him though. Damn, don't really know if it was a him or a her. Still, the new kitty being gone is really, really bugging me. I need to find out what I'm really bugged about. Might be that it's been a year since my Scooby dog ran off/died/was stolen/whatever. I miss him a lot still. He was just plain special. A 2 year old feral when I got him, he turned into the best dog I've had. Well, maybe after his mother, Chyna. He was built like a German Shepherd but marked like a Belgian Malinois. Actually, folks sometimes thought that was what he was rather than the German Shepherd/Chow mix he really was. The spotted tongue gave him away though and it often hung out of the side of his mouth while he held one ear flopped directly across his head. He was a goof. Yeah, it's the loss of so much that has happened since I moved here that I think is getting to me. I lost Scooby, Chyna, one of our cats, and myself somewhere along the way. Not sure when or where I lost me but I did. Some of that was trying to please Chuck. Softening the edges so to speak. It didn't work. Some of it is the weird disconnect with the rest of the world that happens to me when I am here. Some is the stupifyingly slow pace of life here, the lack of change and the lack of need to do anything. No one seems to care and if you actually do accomplish something it seems to be a surprise to any and all. Earlier this year I was well on my way to making some changes here. Getting real animal control put in place and some other things. Folks were dumbfounded that in two months I'd put together as much of it as I had, but then family needed me, and Katrina hit, then Rita, then other family stuff and the opportunity was lost. With a bankrupt Parish, not much will happen. Chuck has noticed that I'm different when I'm in other places. In DC a year ago, in St. Louis and KC earlier this year he saw me again. The real me, not this person who exists down here. Ah, it's shorttimers, I know. But now that we're leaving, I look at what I wanted to have this be and what it has been instead. We are just getting this house to a state I consider to be habitable and we will sell it. That makes me sad. It makes me sad that we never really lived in it as a family. Never had a real Christmas, any real family events. I get the feeling that's just not done as I am accustomed to doing it. That makes me sad too, that no one understood what value those things have for a family. Well, there are things in the near future that may change all of this forever. I don't want anything to happen to the boy's mother but the possibility exists. I don't want them to have to have that sort of anguish in their young lives. Their mother has seizures and is in the hospital now for studies. She will likely have brain surgery in the next few weeks and no one ever knows how those things will turn out. The area of her brain affected is a very delicate one, the surgery quite dangerous. Should she die or be incapacitated, the boys will come live with us. I don't know how they will cope. I know what it is to lose a parent and even when we are grown it's devestating. I cannot imagine what they will go through. They will lose not only her, but their home, their school and the lives they have known. I know how that feels and it sucks. I don't want them to know what that is. A dead cat. I don't believe in omens. Really I don't. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Music? A dirge... (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 12th, 2006
10:28 pm	Why I Don't Post Often I honestly forget about this LJ. It's part of the post West Nile thingie. I forget things. Lot's of things. Not everything and not all the time either. Just sometimes I don't remember something I should - like even having this thing. I tried starting an email list on Yahoo a couple of years ago but folks show up, post a few times and then leave. Mostly it's not people who have had WNV it's their families trying to cope or find help for them. It never lasts long because there is no information, no medical research to speak of and nothing much to do. It sucks. I also find that most of the folks who survived are having problems that people don't know how to fix, that their disability insurance companies don't believe and that their doctor's can't cope with. That sucks too. My own disability insurance company cut me off last fall. They were really weird about it and I'm appealing the decision and will win but it's nasty to have to go through it and could have been financially lethal if I weren't married. Lethal in many ways, actually. Given that COBRA ran out a while ago and I'm uninsurable now I have to pay all medical costs out of pocket. With no income, I can't do that. So, I suppose it could have been a decision that killed me. Interesting thought that. I wonder if the insurance company could be held guilty of manslaughter... Yeah, I'm pretty morbid tonight. Been angry all day and don't know why. That happens. At least I'm awake today. That is good. I've been awake for two days and actually slept between those two days. This is good and unusual but very, very good. It hasn't happened for a long, long time, at least not without a LOT of major prescription drugs. I think that may be the worst bit. The dependance on the medications. I hate that. I hate watching my husband's face on the days when even those medications won't wake me. I can see him, I can often respond, but I can't wake enough to walk through the house. Other days I can't sleep. For days I won't sleep. Then it sucks because I'm not in bed next to him. I hate that too - not being able to cuddle with my dearly loved husband of less than two years. I suppose some of my reluctance to do this LJ was that I didn't want to open my thoughts to others. But then I realized that I need to do so in order for folks to understand what I go through, how this has changed me. So, if I can remember, I'll post more often, post more of what my life really is. I know others go through this as well, maybe some of them will find this and learn they are not alone. Right now, I can't wait to get back to St. Louis and the medical care I had there. The doctors down here don't want to use the medications that I need and that has meant that I sleep most of my life away down here. When I'm not asleep I'm pretty worthless otherwise. I want to be able to do more, actually make plans and keep them. I can't do that now. Now, I just wake up when I wake up, sleep when I sleep and there isn't a lot of in between. Oh well. I've got sleeping dogs in the living room who need to go out. The cat seems to have taken up residence in the guest room and is in for the night. I may try to go to bed soon. Maybe I'll get lucky and sleep... Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
10:24 pm	Yet another book... You belong in the Cat Who Walks Through Walls. You are creative and cunning. Your works often feel empty to you, though others love them. You suspect that the universe and everyone in it are just characters in someone else's story. Current Mood: amused (2 Comments |Comment on this)